


What I've Become

by KaitlynSpeight



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Based on a song, Fluff, M/M, One Shot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-28
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-05-29 16:36:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 3,455
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6384178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KaitlynSpeight/pseuds/KaitlynSpeight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My headcanons as based off the What I've Become album by Ashes Remain</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am absolute trash and I regret nothing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Keep Me Breathing

****

Dean Winchester was used to coming back from a hunt bloodied and broken. It wasn’t new news for Sammy to stitch him up and pop his bones back into place. Sam had seen all of him throughout the years of keeping him in one piece, and the same was true of Dean for Sam. Their line of work was dangerous and thankless. 

 

What Sam had never seen of his brother, at least not wholly, was how how fucking  _ sick  _ of this life Dean really was. Dean wouldn’t let him see, but he was  _ tired.  _ Tired of the fight, tired of the pain, tired of doing everything for these people and not getting so much as a word of thanks. 

 

If it wasn’t for Sam, he would have ended it years ago, let someone else pick up the gun, he was  _ done.  _ But he couldn’t leave Sam, he had to be strong for his little brother, so he was. No one heard his screams, his tears when he was alone, but he wouldn’t bow out. No matter how often or how intense the thoughts were, how tired he felt, there was always just one more monster.

 

One of these days, a monster would get the best of him, be it Lucifer, Amara, or something as simple as a windego or a vampire. As per Billie’s statement, he’d stay gone this time, he could finally rest. Sleep. Relax. No more fights, no more stitches, no more pain, but for now? Sam would keep him fighting, keep him breathing. Sam was more than enough to keep fighting for. 

 

He always  _ did _ have to look out for his pain in the ass little brother, didn’t he?

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: On My Own

Dean had always been the one to look out for people. He was dad’s back up, Sam’s guardian. Sure, he had Bobby, but even there he was an equal. He never got to be a kid, never got to be weak. He didn’t have someone to hold his hand when he was scared or someone to pick him up when he came crashing down.

 

He thought this was okay, he was a hunter, more than that, he was a  _ man,  _ he didn’t need to talk about his feelings or any of that shit. But… every once in awhile it would be nice to not have to be the strong one. To not be everyone’s anchor. His pride would get in the way if he ever got the chance anyway, though, so usually he could push that thought to the back though.

 

That is, until Castiel.

 

Castiel was powerful, an angel of the lord, someone he could admit was stronger than him without compromising his pride. Sure, he’d still fight tooth and nail if he was pinned up against the angel, but no one would question his strength if he lost. Maybe that’s why he could lean on Cas, maybe it was whatever bond they shared, maybe it was something else entirely, but for once he didn’t feel alone.

 

Where Sam always had him to lean on, Dean finally had his own rock, and instead of it being a one way street, Castiel could lean right back on him when  _ he  _ was afraid  or tired or lonely. Dean didn’t realize how much he needed someone to break him out of his self-created prison of self doubt and loneliness until the angel dragged him out kicking and screaming.

 

So Dean let him, let the angel support him, protect them, help them on hunts. He trusted this man, he would go back on his `no monster` rule, just  for this dorky little angel, and in return Castiel would be the best friend Dean had ever had, and he finally wasn’t so alone. And he was better for it.

 

Maybe he was never meant to fight by himself.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Everything Good

Sam didn’t ever have much he could count on in his life. He could also never  _ quite  _ be what people wanted. He wasn’t a good enough hunter, he was a nerd in school, he could never fit in around Dean’s friends and never had any of his own. Dean was good at putting up a mask, not caring, but Sam always just wanted to get away. So he threw away his chances to be cool at school so he could study. Get to college.

 

Even when he finally made it to Stanford, though he never fit in. Every other word out of his mouth was a lie, no one knew about his life, not even Jess. And he still wasn’t good enough. She died. Madison died. Dean, Cas, Bobby, John, Pam, Jo, Ellen. He couldn’t protect them, he was weak. Never good enough, not for any of them.

 

Even through it all, though, Dean stayed by his side. Dean was always there, even in death. He’d come back and be there to pick Sam up from however low he’s fallen. When everyone else gave up on him, Dean was there holding him together. He could always count on his brother, Dean would always be there to keep him safe, keep him human. 

 

Nothing else mattered in the end, because Dean would always be there. No matter what, he had someone he could count on, something worth fighting for. Dean was everything to Sam, always had been. Idol, father, brother, friend. Sure, he was a massive pain in the ass and a total jerk, but he was also laughter and smiles and stolen fireworks in a field. He was the smell of leather and oil, the strong arms he could collapse into, the one who would always be there to save him.

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Without You

He never expected it to hurt so much. He didn’t think he cared for the trickster. Sure, in the end, Gabriel had stood up for the brothers. He had tried, he had given his life to save them, but did that make up for everything he had put them through, did it? But still, Sam found himself watching the DVD again and again, just to see the archangel’s face. Just to hear his voice, his laugh, see the light in his eyes. This had to be another trick. Gabriel would come back any day. Any...day…

 

Years pass. Still no sign. Sam calls to the heavens until he’s hoarse, until he has to go  _ days  _ without talking to let his throat heal. He knew he would come back, Gabriel couldn’t just leave, they had thought he was dead so many times, and he’d show up when they least expected it, smiling and laughing. It would happen again.

 

He prayed, sobbed, screamed. Gabriel, he was okay somewhere. He needed to be. Sam needed him, not just for the hunts, although, yeah, that could be helpful. Sam’s so fucking tired of fighting with all these winged dicks, Amara, God, Lucifer, Castiel. He’s fucking  _ tired _ of all this celestial bullshit. God had brought Cas back, so where was his angel. Where was the angel that was slain in battle to protect His creations. 

 

Sam didn’t care how much time passed, what happened, Gabriel was there somewhere. He was hiding. Sam would get older, things would change, he would watch the tape less, call less, but  he would never give up. He was there somewhere. He  _ had  _ to be.

  
  



	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Come Alive

For the first time in his life, Dean Winchester is  _ free.  _ He doesn’t have to hunt, he doesn’t have to worry, he is having  _ fun.  _ He’s powerful, he doesn’t have to  _ care, _ he can sit back and drink and fuck and sleep and not give a shit. Why did everyone think this was a bad thing? For the first time ever he can be a normal man, he can enjoy himself without the weight of the world on his shoulders. 

 

He isn’t worried about babysitting Sam, there was no crisis to worry about, he can just hang out in a bar with Crowley and learn what it was like to let go. There was no more hiding, no more running from the dark, no more falling into cheap motel beds bloody and broken. No. Now he’s powerful, the monsters cower before  _ him _ . He knows Sam’s out there somewhere, looking for him, looking for a way to cure him, and for the first time in his life he wants nothing to do with his brother. He truly wants his brother to leave him alone, let him go. 

 

He’s not going back, he likes himself like this. If that means Sam has to die, so be it. He’s finally free, he’s  _ not  _ getting dragged back down. He likes the dark.

  
  



	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Unbroken

The boy with the demon blood. Boy King. Azazel’s kid. Abomination. Ruby’s bitch. Monster. The antichrist. Lucifer’s vessel. Sam’s tired of being the broken brother, he made mistakes, he knows that, he was cursed from infancy, but that isn’t what made him. He’s worked hard to get to where he is, he’s fought tooth and nail to remain at Dean’s side, helping and supporting his brother.

 

He’d give anything to make Dean see that. Everything he’s done, it’s been in an attempt to help and still, he was unwanted. Broken. Weak. He’s gone insane, he beat the devil, he fought every monster they’ve come across and still he was an outsider in his own family. He wishes he never went back to hunting. Never went after that woman and white. He could have been there, saved Jess, had the life he wanted.

 

That isn’t true though, Azazel still would have killed her, everything would have remained the same, he’d still be a monster. Dean was starting to see past everything, though, slowly coming back to his side. He could see how hard Sam was fighting to get back by his side, in his good graces, at least, Sam thought maybe he was starting to see. He just had to keep proving himself. He could do that, it’s all he knew how to do.

  
  
  



	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: End Of Me

If you asked him, Gabriel wouldn’t be able to tell you what brought him to this point. He ran away from heaven. He was scared, and alone and so  _ so angry _ . He was  _ angry  _ at his brothers,  _ furious  _ that they couldn’t just talk. That they had to tear each other apart. He was too weak to do anything about it, though, so he hid. He ran away from his family and friends and everything he had ever known. 

 

He fled to earth, watched the humans immerse themselves wholeheartedly in the lies the angel’s spread. They would kill and plunder in the name of his family, who truthfully didn’t give a damn about these hairless apes. `Angel’s are watching over you` mother’s say it to children, friends to friends, what a load of shit. The angels don’t give a flying fuck about any of these creatures.

 

Gabriel watches with detached interest, hiding under the guise of Loki, watching the human’s hope beyond hope that they would be sent to heaven, only to watch their soul come crashing down once they met the same end as everyone else. A reaper, and a journey either up or down. No angels, no God, no singing or bells. Again, he’s  _ angry _ . Why? Why are his brother’s spreading these empty lies? There’s no point, the apocolypse is nigh, it will all be over soon anyway.

 

His family has betrayed the entire human race, prepared to tear Father’s creations apart in the midst of their own petty war, and just like always, Gabriel is going to hide away. Except this time something’s different.  He’s been stewing in his own anger and fear for too long, and Dean Winchester is the one to offer that one last push he needs. 

 

He’s  _ livid.  _ Michael and Lucifer have been wrapped up in their petty bullshit too long, they aren’t even fighting  _ over  _ anything anymore. Their sides have blended, where there was once the Father versus Creation there’s now a muddled mess that just wants to kill their brother. 

 

They no longer care about Father, or the humans, or what’s wrong and right, they just want to kill each other. This time, he’ll stand. This time, he’ll fight. He’s finally picked a side, millennia later, and it isn’t Michael’s  _ or  _ Lucifer’s, no.

 

Gabriel’s going to fight for the faceless masses that their battle is going to destroy, the people they have betrayed and hurt for so long. He isn’t the scared little brother anymore, running away wasn’t his end, it was the chance he needed to see these creatures.  _ Truly  _ see them and understand them for what they are. And they deserved better. Better than the bullshit and pain his brother’s were offering, and he was prepared to fight to his last breath defending them.

 

“Luci, I’m home.”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Right Here

Castiel had always been a good little soldier. He followed Father’s orders, did as he was told, that is, until the Winchesters happened. Castiel couldn’t have anticipated caring for the humans, especially not the boy with the demon blood. Raising Dean Winchester should have been a milk run, grab the soul, throw it in the body, move on. But that soul, that damned tattered, worn,  _ beautiful,  _ thing would be the beginning of the end for him.

 

Originally, he was doing well. He was going to move on from Dean, forget the brilliant soul he had cradled in his wings, ignore the burning ache where Dean had wormed his way into his very  _ grace. But the damned idiot wouldn’t leave it alone.  _ No, Dean had to call and poke and prod, and… Well, Castiel is only so strong. 

 

And after he met Sam? Well, it was all over. Dean, so hurt and alone, his soul is tattered, barely held together by strings of light. Sam, tainted with demon blood, Lucifer’s vessel, he should be an abomination. But, still, the brothers had two of the purest, most beautiful souls he had seen, and so started his decent. 

 

He rebelled, threw everything away. He left heaven and his family, joined a world he didn’t know. He died, lost his grace, he took Sam’s place when the wall came down and shoved Dean out of purgatory in his place. `Always happy to bleed for a Winchester,` some of the truest words to leave his mouth. He had taken their place, stood for them, battled, killed his family, and still he would do anything they asked.

 

The brother’s might see him as expendable, he might not be of import to them, but they were everything to him. He would, and will always, do anything in his power to make sure Sam and Dean Winchester come out on the other side. This is exactly how he finds himself in his current position, one last chance to help. Something he can do to help defeat Amara, broken angel he is.

 

“Then yes.”

  
  



	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Change My Life

Sam Winchester never had much. He grew up on the bare minimum, Dean’s old clothes, John weapons, second hand books. Dean could barely keep them fed more often than not, he was usually cold in the winter under cheap blankets, and hot in the summer in stuffy motel rooms. He had gotten used to having nothing. It was his norm, he was okay with it.

Gabriel on the other hand, is used to having everything he could ever want. Materialistically at least. Silk sheets, the best food, a beautiful partner in his bed every night. They were opposites. Not only with their possessions, Sam was brave where Gabriel was a coward, Gabriel had a quick tongue where Sam would rather bury his head in a book. Hell, Gabriel was an archangel and Sam Winchester was meant to be the boy king, a pawn in the devil’s game. 

But Gabriel took a liking to the boy. Hell, he was willing to die for him. And when he came back, he wasn’t so quick to leave his side. Once he saw just how hurt Sam was from the years of hunting, all the death he blamed himself for, the weight he put on his shoulders… Like hell Gabriel was going to let this beautiful soul suffer anymore. 

Sam needed help. He wouldn’t admit it, not openly, but he needed Gabriel. He needed the angel to put him back together, heal wounds he didn’t even know he had. He needed a miracle, and it just so happened to come in the form of a 5’8” archangel with a sweet tooth the size of Texas. 

Once Sam realized Gabriel really did only want to help him, just wanted to help heal the wounds he had played a part in inflicting… He wasn’t so keen on the idea of losing his little pain in the ass again. Gabriel managed to mend his soul, stitch it together with pieces of his own grace. Pick up all the little broken pieces and put them together, and Sam managed to help pull the angel back together right back.

They might be an unconventional couple, they argue more than they talk, the the only type of fucking that exists between them is angry fucking, but they will also move heaven and hell to stay together. And if Dean has a problem with it… Well, Gabriel can always turn him into a squirrel again.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Take It Away

Sam Winchester had days where he truly hated his father. Okay. He hated John most of the time. He hated hunting, he hated moving around, he hated going to a new school every week, and he hated his father for making this his life. He wanted to be a normal kid. He wanted to go to the same school for the entire year, he wanted to make friends he could talk to for more than a couple weeks. He didn’t want to live out of a dingy motel room eating stale cereal and fighting Dean for the last piece of bread.

 

He just wanted to be normal. But John took even that  _ hope _ away. He beat Sam’s hopes down until he was just a shell, drifting day to day, but still, he would get out. He tried running away, when that never work he could throw himself into his studies, get into a good school, get away. He didn’t want to live the life, he wasn’t like Dean, wasn’t like his father. 

 

No matter what John said, how much he tried to discourage him, Sam kept pushing. He could get away, he could go to school and get a good job and a wife and a home. He could have children and raise them  _ properly.  _ Of course, the hunter in him would never die, he would always worry that that shadow was something  _ more,  _ that blur of movement was something out to get him, but he could get away. He  _ would  _ get away.

  
  



	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: Inside Me

Sam wants out of the life. He’s fucking tired of fighting the monsters, chasing a phantom that killed a woman he never even knew. He didn’t have the same memories, or even of Dean, he loved his mother, but not with the same obsessive recklessness as John and Dean. He just wanted to be normal, he tried running away, getting out, but no matter how far he ran, he’d always have to go back. He couldn’t leave Dean.

No matter what he tried, how long he was gone, what he tried to do to drown the memories, the desperate need to be around his brother. Every time, he felt like he couldn’t breathe without his brother there. Even with Jess, it was only a matter of time before he was hunting his family down and rejoining them, so there really was no choice when Dean showed up that night in his apartment. He’s always been stuck in the life, and will be for as long as Dean stays in it with him.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Song: I Won't Run Away

After Sam left for Stanford, Dean wasn’t ever sure he could trust him again. He left, Sam was the one person he thought he could count on, and he abandon him too. He wasn’t sure he wanted to forgive him, he was scared to trust him again. Sam didn’t want to be a part of the life, he would just keep leaving, running away. 

But he doesn’t. Time and time again he stays by Dean’s side, no matter how hopeless it seems, even if he’s the only other one there, Sam backs Dean’s plays. If Dean wants to go down swinging, Sam’s right there next to him, he won’t let his brother die alone. So Dean finds himself trusting again, exactly what he said he wouldn’t do. He doesn’t want to get attached, Sam will leave, he has too. Sam’s too good for this life. 

But maybe… Maybe they can run away together this time. Maybe they can both get out.


End file.
